Dallas Stars Steal Olympics
It’s hard not to be at least somewhat aware of the Olympic events transpiring in Rio currently. With Team USA’s gold medal count climbing, and the patriotism rising, it begs another question. What about one of the other greatest sources of our pride? What if the Dallas Stars brought the Olympics to Dallas?
They would be no ordinary Olympics, mind you. The world of hockey Olympics would be a bit more specific and also subtle. For all of us watching swimming and gymnastics right now wondering if we’ll ever figure out for ourselves the minute criteria the athletes are being judged on, well strive no more. The hockey Olympics have come to save the day.
Before anything else, you would have the opening ceremony. I imagine it would include some version of the Stars Rising clip played on FSSW before each game (because be honest, that pumps you up like nothing else), and then maybe some snippets of the Stars’ greatest hits so far.
Shots of the 1999 Cup win, coverage of some of their most important trades and goals, and parts of the Dude Perfect video.
The first event would be turnovers. Might as well get that one over with first, right? This event would be focused around determining which player could execute the smoothest turnover, giving up the puck in a near semblance of a covert mission- in the way you least expected it.
The gold medal would, of course, go to dear sweet John Klingberg, and we’re projecting that he would also take the silver. The bronze would be an honorable mention for former Star Alex Goligoski.
Next, the Stars would skate in the elaborate goals contest to determine who could execute the most unbelievable, miraculous goal. Just like with figure skating and diving, there would be a technical aspect (like actually keeping the puck and scoring), but points would also be awarded for flair.
Jamie Benn would undoubtedly earn the gold, as he’d take to weaving around opposing players while sliding across the ice on his knees toward the goal. The silver would go to Tyler Seguin, whose pre-shooting wind-up and range would indeed make his goal elaborate.
Bronze would fall to Jason Spezza, who, by simply scoring at the most unexpected but also most desperately needed moments, would also probably give the most humble speech to the media afterwards.
The final event would be penalty box blow-ups. While in the sin bin, the players would be challenged to throw the biggest temper tantrum they could, still without becoming ridiculously tasteless.
Remember, the Olympics are all about class, style, and honor. First place and the gold medal would go to Antoine Roussel, but not before some debating among the judges. Is it in the rules that you can’t destroy miscellaneous items in the penalty box in the process of your fit? The rulebook is silent on the matter?
And just like that, Roussel has a gold medal. Jamie Benn, the multi-talented Olympian he is, would win the silver in his second event for displaying technique very different from the gold medalist, but still as effective: lower on the actual physical fit end of the meter, much higher on the frightening facial expressions and the act of planning a payback scheme while incarcerated.
The bronze medal would be honorarily bestowed on Jordie Benn because of all the time he spends in the penalty box not throwing fits that probably would be well justified.
The closing ceremony would be a truly epic event, with the Dallas Stars goal song being played over and over as the Stars clutch their medals and look off into the distance introspectively.
After making such a name for their team and doing them proud, it’s time to go home and rest up for the next big event: the 2016-2017 season.
Next: Dallas Stars Announce 2016 Training Camp Schedule
While they’re recovering from their truly breathtaking performances, we can all brainstorm for the next time around. What events do you think would the Stars undoubtedly take gold in?